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To Sleep Perchance to Dream By Paul Wicker Here is the scene: · You recently brought home a new little bundle of joy. · You may or may not have a few earlier bundles already in residence. · Your wife recovers from the delivery nicely. · Life settles into a new --- albeit a more hectic --- pattern. A month later, you notice that the wife seems to be taking on a completely new personality. This is so bizarre. You begin to suspect a "Stepford Wives" type of body double robot has been substituted for your gentle woman, but whoever switched them made a mistake. They took the good-nice one and left a mean-nasty one. Even the baby is sensing that something is wrong because the little stinker refuses to sleep more than a few hours at a time. The crying at night is starting to keep you awake – it is not the baby who is crying, it is the alien wife who is sobbing. Be of good cheer! Extraterrestrials have not absconded with your bride. She has just been visited by the not-so-nice companion of every new mother – sleep deprivation. Clinical research has shown that some people suffer from this condition due to the introduction of some kind of stress into their lives. Once the "stressor" has been removed, normal sleep patterns usually return. The "stressor" in her life wears Pampers and instinctively knows how to squall at the frequency attuned to your back molar fillings. "How can this be true," you ask? Mom seems to be getting plenty of rest, after all she sleeps whenever the baby sleeps. The sad truth is that she is not sleeping well or deeply or for long stretches. Without good sleep, she will start to show signs of sleep deprivation. Here is a bit of a quiz to test whether or not she might be suffering from this condition: 1. Does she doze off at inappropriate times? Like when you start thinking that the amorous drought is finally over. 2. Does she feel anxious or out of sorts? Old favorite jokes are no longer funny. Try the ever popular "pull my finger" to see if you get a response. 3. Does she feel groggy? She no longer corrects your grammar and she has lost the ability to do basic math, e.g. she served you a dozen eggs for breakfast. 4. Does her memory seem to be failing? She seems to have forgotten your name and she has begun to refer to you with unpleasant phrases such as "If I had a husband who wasn't a lazy bum". Bingo! What the woman needs is a good night's sleep – maybe two. What you need to do is pack up the kids including the baby, take whatever provisions you need for an overnight stay (don't forget the formula or expressed milk), and head to Grandma's house. Unfortunately, no other location will provide the "comfort" she needs to actually rest anxiety free. AND let's face it; most men don't possess the facility to actually take care of a baby for an entire night. Before you leave, remind her again who you are, turn down the bed, draw her a hot bath complete with those scented bead things, and then promise that YOU (and Grandma) will do whatever is needed for the baby. You will walk, feed, diaper, clean, fuss with, bounce, anything on this side of actually nursing the little bloke yourself. If she is still conscious, she will probably feel some separation anxiety and a twinge of guilt. At this point, pry her fingers off the door handle, thank her profusely for giving you the wonderful car full of screaming – howling joy, and then nudge her back inside the house. Take my word for it, when you return like the conquering hero, the aliens will have returned your lovely wife. You will reap big rewards (maybe even the end of the aforementioned amorous drought – but don't get your hopes up too high). Remember that this cure only lasts until the next time sleep deprivation sets in or until the little lady discovers that you played golf while the kids stayed with Grandma – but that will be our little secret. Good luck. Paul Wicker -------------------------- As father of three, Paul Wicker has experienced parenting from all sides. He recently ended a twenty year career in the oil business to start freelance writing and now he is working from home. He has several other business interests that also keep him busy. Email Paul at pwicker@houston.rr.com Sign up to Mommy's Helper - Mom's Market Ezine for marketing tips, business resources, and much more. Receive Your F R E E Subscription Now! |